Reflections of doubt

A post by Virtualapiz, "Are we talking about the same thing?" sums up a bit of where I am right now. Doubts, work stresses, anxiety from my non-tango life are filtering into my dancing. And I catch myself wondering, does my leader see/feel this dance the way I do? I enjoy dancing with him, but does he enjoy dancing with me? Am I weighing down his shoulder? Pulling him off his axis? Giving back enough energy?

When I first started tango, I didn't know enough to know how badly I was doing. In that state - I was completely open to the experience - to everything anyone would teach me. It seems now that I know just enough to doubt everything else. As another tango blogger quoted from the book, The Shack - in the beginning, I was in a state of expectancy - not expectation.

Now I catch myself constantly questioning - shouldn't I be better than this by now? Shouldn't I be able to push my leg back further by now? Should I still be missing cross leads? Why am I still tilting on my axis during ochos?

During practica, a leader told me to push further back with my leg, saying, "I shouldn't feel your leg here." He led the step again, and again my leg was in the way. "Further than that," he said. I snapped back, "I can't go back any further!"

Where did that come from? Why was I suddenly defensive about a step? Was I just tired? Bitchy? PMS?

That's not the only thing I'm questioning. Am I spending too much time dancing with the same 1 or 2 leaders because I don't want to leave my comfort zone? Do I feel (to my partner) negative when I dance? I need tango these days - I need the milongas for the energy and, conversely, the peacefulness, that I get from them. But am I giving that energy back - or am I only taking?

How much of this is my tango and how much of this is insecurity in my life - the non-tango place I live? I need to be in the moment of the dance, the music, my partner - not carrying with me all of the weight of day/week/life. There's no room in the dance for that baggage - but there it is, weighing down my legs.

I know better than this. It's time to go back to the beginning, to where I started the journey, and get back on the right track again.