Tonight I needed to dance too much. My days at work leave me pining for connection and music and warmth. Going to the evening milonga on Tuesdays is like finally getting to come up for air. The problem is that I've been holding my breath all day. Or the equivalent of that. I hear the music, hug my friends, change into my shoes and feel such a huge sense of relief. But the problem remains - I've been a coiled spring all day. My muscles ache, my head hurts. My knees feel weak. These things don't make for great following ability.
Tonight it felt like a bit more than that, though. I felt haunted. There's something on my mind, I just haven't sorted it out yet. Annie Lennox sang it just right. I'm haunted by the ghosts in my machine. I feel melancholy and restless - can you feel both of those at the same time? I thought somehow those would be mutually exclusive.I guess not.
(I don't know if any of you dear readers will know what I mean by this but the feeling is so similar I can't help using the analogy. Gentleman, feel free to stop reading here. It's a bit like have restless leg syndrome. Completely exhausted but unable to keep my legs still. With RLS, it's not that my legs are shaking - that would be easier. It's like there are impulses being fired off into the muscles screaming, "move! move! move!" but I'm so g-damned tired from pacing and pacing and pacing. It can be agonizing trying to wait it out. Usually I just keep moving until I can't - until there was nothing left in me for the RLS to move.)
Dancing with my partners tonight, I struggled to stay with them - to stay in the moment, and in the music. Distracted by onlookers, the cold (and then the heat). Distracted by ghosts. Months ago another dancer across an ocean told me, 'if you get lost, find his heart with yours.' Torso to torso, feel for his heart. Listen to his breathing. Get back where you're supposed to be. For a few moments at a time I could do it - get focused, push everything else to the side. And then it would slip away again and I'd miss simple steps. I caught myself shifting weight nervously like I'd only started classes last week. It felt so good, so soothing, to be dancing - but it was getting harder with every song. I was tired and getting more tired by the minute. If I had a specific problem to focus my attention on, it would be so much easier. But I didn't. Still don't. Melancholy and restless. Chasing ghosts.
Make it an early night, I thought. Prepare for tomorrow. Give my eyes a break from allergies and contacts. (And then stay up too late writing blog posts... but I digress.)
Maybe tomorrow I can do a little ghost hunting.