Tonight I remembered

As unrelated to tango as anything can ever really be in my life. Which is to say, still a little related.

Tonight I remembered why I stopped trying for so long.
I remembered when you told me,
after listening to me prattle about my day at school so many years ago,
"you know I really don't care about this right?"
I knew then it was always going to be about your way.
I shut my mouth.

You told me to always ask questions, but not to question you.
I learned that we couldn't just disagree, I could just be wrong.
You want my knowledge for your tool box, but you still dismiss me,
In my own home.
I'm still going to try. I'm still going to give you what you've asked for.
But now I remember the price.

There's something to it, what people say about the dance.
That often we're looking for something we missed in our past,
in the partners we dance with.

Maybe it's just an illusion of the embrace,
an enchantment of the music...
but it feels so shatteringly real.
To hear and be heard,
To hold and be held,
To love and be loved unconditionally,
for 10 minutes at a time.

7 comments:

AlexTangoFuego said...

Thanks, I needed this.

AlexTangoFuego said...

Thanks, Mari. I needed this. But then I'm a man turning your feelings and needs into something *I* need. You, YOU have shown me, through your feelings and words, that I may not be so "enlightened" as I would like to believe after all. For that I thank you and empathize with you as best I can. But I know I can never know what this feels like for you... See More. All I can say is that this one struck a heavy chord, and I hope my embrace, in all areas of this life, may be worthy of those who love me, and count me as a friend.

The Accidental Tangoiste said...

"You told me to always ask questions, but not to question you."

That sounds a lot like my own father, at low points (for either him, or me, or both of us).

A lot of this resonates for me too. I came to tango after a bad breakup, hoping to meet some single men my age. I didn't find that--but I found that the feelings of close-embrace tango were so much more intense (both the highs and the lows) than anything I could have imagined for myself.

It has been a source of both frustration (even the good) and healing.

I'm sorry to hear you came to tango through such difficult experiences. But so glad that, partly through tango, you've been able to blossom and rise, like a lotus, out of the muck.

ad said...

Beautiful - like a poem!

Mari said...

Alex, thank you so much for your comment - look for my email on FB. The response just got too long lol.

Accidental Tangoiste - I'm finding that the embrace heals many kinds of wounds lately. The tango experience can be rather like a lotus isn't it - something beautiful growing from the muck and mud.

ad - thanks, as always. :)

Johanna said...

Tango is cathartic, transformational, and healing, Mari. Which is why we become addicts :-)

Wonderful writing, as always.

Mari said...

Johanna - thank you so much for your comment. Tango is indeed all of those things. Thank goodness!