My teacher's words come back to me.
"You dance too small,
A year ago I could, and did, claim lack of technique, lack of lessons, for dancing that way. So I studied, took lessons, practiced. Experimented.
I danced bigger ("with more expression!")
I danced harder ("more dynamically!")
While I will probably always be able to point to lack of good technique in these things, after all I never stop learning and developing as a dancer, these days technique isn't really the at the heart of the issue.
Dancing bigger seems to, except for rare occasions, make me feeling like I'm wearing someone else's clothes. It's okay for playing dress-up, but it's not really me.
I recently watched a video of myself dancing with a leader I've danced with a long time. For once, I managed to dance without caring about the camera. This gentleman has been dancing with me since my very first dance three years ago - and I'm sure that contributed to my relaxed state. I danced for him even though we had the entire room to ourselves. We had an audience. My dancing was quiet, soft and small. But it felt right. I felt like me.
It felt like home.