This has been coming up more and more as dancers (online and off) have been discussing the merits (and pitfalls) of using the cabeceo at milongas. Here's one example of what often happens...
As soon as the cortina starts, especially if the milonga is very busy, leaders scramble to find their first choice next partners in scattering dancers. Because people are seated somewhat haphazardly and there's no single point of exit from the pista - visibility is tricky, even if the lights are brighter (which is rare). So gentlemen have little choice but to walk up to the table where their intended follower is sitting and simply ask her. Knowing that the milonga is usually set up poorly for the cabeceo, the follower accepts invitations that way, rather than appearing rude and declining an invitation, and "punishing" the leader for asking in the only way he had the opportunity to.
So we usually accept the invitation.
There are times when it would be even more prudent to turn down an invitation that way - such as when repeated cabeceos were *not* returned and then the leader decides to come up directly in front of the follower and ask her to dance. This has happened recently to me with a leader who swings me around like a rag doll when I dance with him and nearly pulls my arm out of its socket to do his big finale tango poses. I avoided his cabeceo for three cortinas - even getting up and leaving my table to avoid it. Finally he just appeared in front of me and asked me.
I should have declined but I didn't. I rewarded the behavior and got a sore shoulder for the trouble. Simply because I thought it would be more rude (and obvious) to turn him down. So in a way, I was punishing the nice gentlemen who might have been trying to make use of the cabeceo by getting up and dancing with a man who had, by the standards of milonga codigos, been rude. I also, by accepting his invitation, rewarded his style of dancing even though it's frequently inappropriate for the social dance floor. One leader said it sends a pretty clear message when they see that happen: Nice guys finish last (or at least sit out more tandas).
So in these situations where at least half of the leaders can't or don't use the cabeceo - is there any way to reward, and thereby encourage, the leaders who do, at least when they're able to? Of course we can be observant and available for the leaders that use it, but usually by the time we think someone *might* be trying to cabeceo us, another leader has already approached and asked.
Comments
And never, ever accept invitations from rude, hurtful people. Saying yes to them bears another consequence you did not mention in your post. Those people are not popular, and if you give in once, they will bother you more often, become more persistent (rude, in fact) with you in the future.
Some ladies also try to stay in the same place as much as possible when not dancing, so leaders who they like to dance with know when and how to get in their line of sight in a busy milonga (especially if there are no cortinas!)
Sometimes you can plan ahead. If the music isn't right, you can ask to dance "the next milonga/ vals". When the music changes, you both know that you will be looking for each other. This can work both ways, for men or women.
My point being that both we leaders and you followers need to be educated to the custom and tradition of the cabeceo as a wonderful part of this dance and culture we are learning in order to have it work in the way it should.
It's supposed to be fun, right?
Also, when leaders throw their dance partners around, it makes me feel embarassed. Seriously, the cliche is right; It takes two to tango, and not one to throw another around. If they want to do that, maybe try Judo?
@TheTangoTherapist - this advice from the leader who had to cabeceo me via mirror because I was talking to someone... ;-) Duly noted though - I am making that effort.
@JanTango - recent experiences have proven you 100% right.